Tuesday, March 18, 2014


So I've already blogged about the “10 Types of Guys you Meet at a Bar.” If you haven't already read it, you should stop everything you're doing and do so immediately.
Now, as much as I would love to end all of our miseries and stop it there, it would just be unfair and unjust of me to overgeneralize an entire population of bar-frequenting men that we can count on just two of our well manicured hands. Well, guess what- I’m like a goody bag full of wonderful and exciting news- I've done a little extra leg work to include you or the person you're inevitably bound to meet. #ahthankyou
The Bartender
This guy… is a mixed message. He knows all the regulars by name and bra size (wait, what?) and he has the ability to make you feel like he actually cares for you and your wellbeing when preparing your adult beverage. You totally think he singles you out and rushes to your defense when the world is suddenly crashing. Aka. you've got an empty drink. He flirts with you for a minute or two, depending on how busy the night is, and you feel the butterflies puttering around in your stomach with sheer teenage girl excitement. Only to ultimately kill your spirit, and your buzz, when you hear through the grapevine that he also has a "thing" with Anita Bohn*, Fonda Dicks*, Jaclyn Hyde* and Mona Lott*. Oh, and apparently with Sheila Blige* too. #dimeadozen
*stagename used for their privacy
The Funny Guy
This guy… has the likes of Richard Pryor, Robin Williams, and Eddie Murphy in their glory days. His dance moves are probably on parr, and I don’t mean like So You Think You Can Dance style. He can be the perfect person to have around because he makes you feel silly, and whatever you do, it can’t be worst or more embarrassing than the shit he’s pulling out. #thatswhatshesaid. If anything, this guy is the perfect scapegoat to keep you entertained or protected from those other douchetards that won't get the hint and leave you alone. The only drawback here is that all the attention you’re giving him is inevitably going to lead to him thinking you’re into it. #canteverwin
The Drunk Guy
This guy... is a hot mess. And by hot mess, I really mean just a bonafide I feel so sorry for how drunk you are right now kind of mess. Really, my heart, it bleeds. We've all had our moments (that is plural for a reason), so I can sympathize with the occasional slip-ups. This guy, however, is so far past slip-ups, you can't even figure out how he gets from 0-1000 so gosh darn quickly. There's gotta be a manual out there I've never heard of. He can be the funnest (is this word in the dictionary yet?) guy in the room, or the loudest, maybe the quietest, or perhaps he’s just straight up bat shit crazy. Like, bat shit. Whatever it is, he’s bound to crash… and when he does, it’s more likely than not, to be right before your very eyes. Generally, some weird shit starts to happen right before the plunge and it’s typically so obnoxious you're giving yourself a well-deserved gold star for being what appears to be a normal sociable drinker. #kudostothat
The "Friend"
This guy… is a chameleon disguised as your platonic ol' buddy ol' pal. He keeps his safe friend-zone distance and you think all is jolly until he's on his 5th Jack 'n Coke and his eyes are so slanted you actually wonder to yourself if he's a quarter Asian and just never told you. All rules are thrown out the window at this point and he starts inching towards you like a jaguar waiting to capture and feed on it's prey. It starts slow; an arm hang here, a lingering boob graze there. Before you know it, he's puckered up and going in for the kill full throttle or he somehow sneaks into your bedroom and tries to slide himself into bed with you. Ok, the latter sounds super creepy and basically like a scene from the movie Fear, but you know exactly what I'm talking about. You'll never be able to look at this guy again because this encounter was far too unexpected and traumatic. Sorry guy. #friendzone4lyfe
The Tinder Guy
This guy… is like a box of chocolates; you just never know what you're going to get. You both swipe right (is that correct? I'm not about that #tinderlife) and you start to message. All you see are some photo’s pulled from FB, so who even knows if he’s attractive or just photographs well. Or doesn’t for that matter. This game is purely survival of the attractive. And in that survival game, is also a game of Clue. Who says game night has to be restricted to a board played in your living room? You either meet up and he's a cool 5'2" or a hot and exhaustive moron. Oh, the qualms of “mobile” dating. #itsahardknocklife
The Shy Guy
This guy... is mysterious? He knows about the game, or so it appears anyway. It can often be mistaken as elusiveness… until you’re all up in his grill and you notice him drop a couple inches in height because he’s buckling at the knees. Gross! This guy, my friends, is too shy for your own good, his own good, and the overall good of humanity. Your confidence, whether natural or with the help of my good friend Liquid Courage, has him reversing back into his shell like the snail that he most certainly is. Allow me to give you a free piece of advice that therapists often charge thousands for- a man who has the gonads to go after what he wants, is hot and just goes with the law of like nature. You know, like the hunter days? #wetblanket
The Aggressive
This guy… doesn’t understand why you’re not as into him as he’s into himself. You’re playing coy, or maybe you’re just not that interested, and the more you pull back, the more he shoves himself down your throat like those horse-like vitamins you cry taking down every time you’re feeling ballsy. Letting this guy down easy will never work and it's inevitably going to become an episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey. Might as well make it a show worth watching. #abouttogetdiscovered
The Guy that’s just…. Too.Much.
This guy… blindsides you. He can seem cool or babe-ish initially. You won’t know this guy is too much, until he just slaps you in the face with it. Figuratively speaking, of course. He tells you within minutes how beautiful and smart you are, how you have ‘leadership skills’ and are his little ‘horticulturist’ because you agreed that there are some flowers that are edible. This is a true story, in which I had the fortuitous luxury of witnessing first hand. Trust me, I couldn’t even make this shit up if I tried. He bounces back and forth from being the “Rico Suave, Over Sharer, Chatty Cathy and [often times] Wing Man” but at the end of it all, he’s in a category all on his one because obviously all of those grouped together is just TOO MUCH. #pumpdabreaks
The Double Lifer
This guy… is an A on paper. Cute, charming, chivalrous (whatever that even means in a bar setting) and he has the ability to make you feel all these incredible adjectives you didn't even know existed, let alone possess. His lines are so good, he has them believing them yourself. "Omg you're right, my eyes do have so much depth!" He tries to take you home as quickly as he meets you and you’ll later find out why. Whether it’s that first night or a few weeks to come… you realize this guy only calls/texts at specific hours, only wants to see you on his time (if it's even ever again) and the mystery behind it all is making you spin in circles like a self-entertaining dog. All this, only to find out it’s because he is straight up leading a double life. Ya, the A on paper… actually stands for Asshole. #karmaisaB
The Normal Guy
This guy… has you sighing a huge sigh of relief. You hit it off and have a night of great fun either together or within your social group. You continue drinking and he either gets cuter or just universally more fun and cool. Who’da thunk this was possible! Whether you walk away as friends, hook up buddies, or in a straight up romantic relationship, this guy undoubtedly regains your faith in mankind. #victorydance

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