Monday, March 17, 2014


After a fun-filled and eventful weekend to add to the list of “dinner table stories,” I had to take a moment on this glorious Monday to reflect and slowly piece together the interesting puzzle that actually comprised it. After hopping around town, visiting the mellow to raging style bars, it dawned on me, the several types of guys you happen to meet while out perusing. A select few are welcome, however the majority, I think it’s safe to say, are not. Some of us, for the sole purpose of being “polite” or “meeting new people,” are open to seeing what the next few minutes with this particular individual will entail. Some of us, well, some of us just aren’t as nice. In any case, the following are 10 types we happened to meet in one weekend. It wasn’t easy, but someone had to do it. 
1. The Over Sharer
This guy… you’ve got figured out within 10 seconds of meeting. His job title, relationship status, political views, religious views, family life, social circle, heck even his retirement plans. You didn’t exactly ask for this seemingly personal information, or perhaps you did, but you know- in like a casual “hey, just making convo” type of way. There is usually no way to stop this lacking-a-filter dude, it appears being an open book is his main MO. #alittlemysterygoesalongway 
2. The Rico Suave
This guy... is smooth as hell. Or so he thinks. His charm knows no bounds. Or so he also thinks. You’re not exactly sure what to make of this guy. Are you hot? Are you not? He smells as though he spent 36 hours bathing in one of the strongest colognes ever created, which is obviously what's temporarily clouding your judgment. He stares deeply into your eyes, typically touching you more than absolutely necessary and completely overwhelming you in the most underwhelming way possible. How this is done.. I’m not interested in finding out. All that comes to mind is that he’s watched too many Dirty Dancing movies. #adiosmuchacho #easyonthecologne
3. The Chatty Cathy
This guy... is the mayor of Chatter City. Unlike the #oversharer, you aren’t exactly sure what he’s actually talking about, because it isn’t about anything at all. It’s typically pretty easy to figure out right away that this isn’t about you, it’s about the sound of his own voice. He doesn’t let you get a word in edge wise, which is fine, because you aren’t interested in contributing to this one-sided dialogue anyway. As Sweet Brown put it, aint nobody got time fa dat. #SOS #pipeit
4. The [Ultimate] Creep
This guy... we’ve all encountered more than we’re comfortable admitting. You feel the heat of his stare on you from a hundred miles away.  It burns through your soul as quickly and effortlessly as a forest fire Smokey The Bear all warned us about. He violently checks you out, up and down, side to side, licks his lips and you know, in this moment, violation has been taken to a whole new level. Not even the most obvious and outright blatant signal on God’s green earth can get through to this guy, and you aren’t sure how one single human can be so oblivious to basic body language... like your rolling eyes or lack of response. The pigs can fly, the cows can come home, you can be blacked out and intrinsically know you’d rather chew off your right leg than spend another fleeting moment in this guys' general vicinity. #isthisreallife #getaclue
5. The Cool Guy
This guy... is cooler than ice. In Antartica. He is typically a super babe, and you bet your bottom dollar that he knows it. However it’s his elusiveness that is enough to make you lose your last shred of rationale to get a second of his time. This guy is usually not the sharpest tool in the shed, which you find out rather quickly, but you don’t care. He is just so… so… ridiculously good looking. You're finding yourself to be the #chattycathy because having a conversation with him is like pulling teeth (or what you'd imagine to be) and let's be honest,  just so you can stare for two extra minutes. He wants nothing to do with it, he’s too busy checking out the VS model that just walked in the door. #goingonadiet #maybenexttime
6. The Wingman
This guy... is doing a public service. And so are you, at this point. Typically this dude can also be referred to as the ‘Funny Guy’, since he’s probably about a D+ in the looks department. If you’re lucky, sometimes, he can be pretty average looking, you know C- ish, although you may be 10 vodka sodas deep to think so. Either way, he’s got a job to do; get you to go home with his friend or keep you pre-occupied while his friend tries to swindle your friend. Sometimes, selflessness is the name of the game. Can't hate on that. #friendoftheyearaward 
7. The Douche
This guy… is an absolute tool bag. From his choice of wardrobe, to shoes, tattoos, hairstyle, jewelry to piercings or the fact that the only thing that comes out of his mouth has to do with money. And how much he apparently has of it. Which, if I was a betting woman, I'd guess isn't nearly as much as he proclaims. This guy should be the star of the Tool Academy and is giving Jersey Shore a run for their money; not an easy task to do, so many applauds there. He tries way too hard and it makes you wonder how he can even look himself in the mirror day after day and not realize his ears are bright red from all the people shit talking.  #woof #cabsarehere
8. The Old Guy
This guy… is old enough to be your dad. If you’re really unlucky, your granddad. He has zero shame when it comes to approaching and complimenting you…relentlessly. This guy’s confidence is measured in years…and dates back to columbus. He’s that creepy uncle you're openly embarrassed about and downright afraid to bring around your friends. He’s usually at the bar, alone, so whatever you do, do not make eye contact. And if you do, run for the hills. Forrest Gump style. #notevenkidding #notaboutthatlife #nospringchicken
9. The Girlfriend Guy 
This guy… is a dreamboat. Charming, funny, and good looking! Eyes are gazing,  conversation is flowing and your slightly buzzed thought process leads you to believe that you've totally hit it off— Score! Only for him to stump you in your tracks moments later by breezily throwing in mid-convo that he as a girlfriend... and you're just left there, blindsided and speechless. #thegoodonesarealwaystaken #chooseme #sorryimnotsorry
10. The Cheapskate 
This guy… should be incarcerated. For stealing your time and energy. I mean that is the ultimate crime, right? He will chat you up for hours and make you feel like the only girl in the room. Orders himself a drink and leaves you hanging, or worst yet, orders for you and then waits for you to cough up the dinero. C’mon bro, have you ever heard of courting? I understand that this day and age is all about “equality,” but if you genuinely want a chance with me, please don’t reveal this card on the first encounter. #buyingmyselfdrinks #chivalryisdead

No comments:

Post a Comment